The final chapter?

I made it. I found a life after the postdoc. And a fan-f*cking-tastic job at that--working for one of the top 3 science publishers. What did Dr. Evil (my boss) say? Nothing, other than "I thought you were leaving in mid-March, not in January". I'd only told him a year in advance that I wouldn't be renewing my contract ending on Jan 31st.
Thanks for the congratulations, boss.

Though I had finished writing my paper at the end of October, just before the favorite postdoc finished hers--Dr. E refused to submit the paper without what he called "critical experiments". I had already told him that I'd had a job offer at this point, so I'd imagined that he'd have a positive attitude about getting some reviewer's comments while I finished up those critical experiments. I was wrong. Instead, I was summoned into his office for that oh-so-famous, "I don't know why you can't write" talk. Right. It must be me. It can't possibly be related to the fact that you're pissed at me for "leaving you" (the lab, whatever it's the same in his mind). Or that you had to finish writing the favorite postdoc's paper because she gave birth about 3 months sooner than expected, and you're just plain exhausted.

So I get told to re-write it.

I change the abstract and about 5 sentences within the main body of the text.

Twelve revisions later--not including the versions 1.2, 2.2, 3.2 (you get the idea), he submits my paper just before Christmas. Two full months after I'd written it the first time.

I leave the lab January 27th. I'm in Egypt when I get a text message from a labmate that my paper has been accepted with practically no revisions. I'm in shock, since Dr. E was convinced that my paper would have a difficult time getting accepted at the revered Journal where we had submitted. I wait for a confirmatory email from Dr. E himself before celebrating.

His comments on Jan 30th:
Your paper for Prestigious Journal X was accepted almost with no revisions...pretty amazing. This has happened but 3 times in 100 papers so congratulations. Maybe we should have shot even higher??? Alas, I will send you the comments. I think I can handle all but one which is to provide a better photo of one of the figure panels.
If you check your mail while away, then have a drink to the paper.

~~~~~
See reviewer's comments below:
The overall evaluation is positive and we would like to publish a revised manuscript in "Famous Journal X", provided that the referees' comments can be satisfactorily addressed.

Please attend to all of the reviewers' comments, and do ensure that your manuscript falls within the journal's limit of 7000 words (3000 for Research Reports). The word count does not include the reference list but does include figure legends.
___

Pretty easy--I foolishly think to myself. Though he manages not to be able to handle the reviewer's comments after all, and waits until I've started my job in mid-march to ask me to address some things he should already know how to fix, if he'd actually read the paper, or paid any attention to my result. Recall that I'd only give 2 lab meetings during 3 years in Paris, so it' not so surprising that he has no real idea what my project is about. So I answer him point by point, and all by memory, since the paper is on my other computer at home. I also tell him that though he's insisting I send him a new figure legend-- he doesn't actually need one because I have not actually changed the figure, just made small changes in contrast and brightness. Why hadn't he compared the old and new figures to see if I'd actually addressed the reviewer's comments? I'll leave you to answer that for yourself.

He email me to say it's done. He's submitted the paper. I am content that I will soon have no reason to see emails from him in my inbox.

Two days later I get an automatic email from famed journal X. The paper is 700 words over the 7000 word limit. Oh my god. He was too lazy to a) read the editor's letter, b) click 2 things in MS word to obtain a word count, or c) he's got Alzheimer's. I figure if he needs me, he'll email me, since I got an automatic absence response when I tried to contact him.

One week later Dr. E. tells me that the paper has been accepted. He doesn't realize that I know he's been asked to reduce the word count, by a whopping 10%, btw. I offer to help him edit it, because I'm so panicked I don't even read his email. He says, "to work on what? It is done..." like he hadn't edited my first-author paper without asking me to review his changes.

He continues, "The editor had contacted me outside of this last week to let me know the intro was highly repetitive and to get rid of the conversational style (I thought I had done so but she was right). Anyhow, it is all fixed and you will see the proofs of course". What an asshole. Note how he manages to insult me in his response. He edited 10% of the paper and didn't even run it by me. But I let it go because I though, it's the end. Ha ha. Right.

30 minutes later I get a message saying that the resolution of the figures is too low. You have got to be KIDDING me. I'm sorry, is this the first paper he's submitted? Of course you have to send hi-res images for the final draft. And he can't find them. He's lost the figures, and I'm now 3000 miles away. He resolves the issue by giving me his login to the journal and I upload them myself. No thank you. Somehow, I'm not surprised.

Is it over yet? Perhaps not, I still haven't seen the proofs.